Advice on dating before marriage
Just a quick word of advice on dating and relationship: ‘this post does not relate to married people, but if it lands in your inbox, please kindly forward it to someone who might need it.
The Apostle Paul wrote in 2Corinthians 6:14 that we should not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.
We can work with unbelievers (as colleagues), we can have acquaintances with them, we can meet with them on various occasions (birthdays, meetings, evangelical campaigns…) but the relationship that Paul clearly opposes refers to ‘marriage’.
Just to be clear with every single Christian out there: ‘Marriage is not an evangelistic campaign where one person spends their entire life at convincing the other to change’.
And since 99% of marriages start through a dating process, it is wise to forbid any single believer to date an unbeliever. The logic is quite clear: ‘ You cannot expect to marry a believer while dating unbelievers. It makes no sense. You will only marry whom you date.’
As Bible instructors and ministry leaders, it is often easy to bump against a few married people who seek advice on how to fix their marital woes with spouses who are unbelievers. The difference, in faith and belief between the spouses, makes it impossible to have a working relationship.
We have seen how certain women thought that their boyfriends would change once married…but to no avail.
If you wish to see the priorities of a believer, just look at the way they spend their money and whom they choose to marry. A believer who chooses to marry an unbeliever, clearly shows that his/her priorities are not in the Kingdom of God because if his/her priorities were in the Kingdom, that believer would have sought his/her spouse within the Kingdom and not outside…
The term ‘yoke’ refers to a wooden crosspiece tying two animals together to walk and work in the same direction. Those two yoked animals can only work effectively if they hold the same vision or thinking frame. But if one animal wants to go left while the other refuses to move forward, then their union is doomed.
One of the biggest danger of marrying an unbeliever relies in the poisonous effect that the union may have on the believer’s purpose. Many have lost their God given purpose by simply marrying a person who never believed in God in the first place. And sadly, those believers ended the rest of their lives fighting to change their spouses…
I will give you crucial points to work through in the dating process. If followed carefully, those steps will protect you from making fatal mistakes requiring continual fixes:
1. Never be afraid to be single : ‘as a single person, it becomes all too often easy to fall for the fear of celibacy. Look, if Jesus changed the world as a single unmarried man, it also means that you can live your purpose as a single person until you meet the right one. The fear of being single has led too many people (especially women) to rush into ungodly relationships with unbelievers or the wrong partners.
The hyped sex culture has intoxicated many people to believe that it is NEVER OK to be single, even temporary. As a result, the same hyped sex culture teaches people to always have someone around (a side chick, a side boyfriend, a bootycall, a sexbuddy, jump-offs,…) and this creates the real recipe to find the wrong spouse.
Certain women dated very ungodly men and after a while in the relationship, they realise that they should come out of it. But the fear of being single (even for a while) creeps them and they hope to find an alternative while dating the ungodly guy they have. But it is a serious mistake…For the time they remain in that relationship with the ungodly man, anything could happen (e.g: a pregnancy, and even a marriage since I have seen women getting married out of desperation…). Those women hope for a great guy to come and sweep them away while they are already busy but what if that great guy cannot come because he does not see you as an available person?
Stop the fear of being single. If you have to choose between remaining single and remaining in a wrong relationship, then choose to remain single because the price to pay for choosing the wrong partner/spouse is too heavy.
A person who is afraid to remain single, is also an easy target to Satan.
2. Enquire your date: Be straight forward with them by asking if they are Christian or not. When asking the question, their response should be a straight ‘YES’. Any other response is clearly showing that they are unbelievers. Responses such as: ‘Well I grew up in a Christian family’,’ My dad was a pastor’, ‘ I guess I believe in something bigger’,etc…
If the person responds with a ‘YES’ to your question, then enquire about his/her testimony. Find out how he/she received Jesus. Enquiring about one’s testimony can help you eliminate any potential liar passing as a Christian.
3. Introduce your date to your church leader(s): This is a very practical tip. Church leaders (pastors, elders) can see things that you don’t see. This is why I encourage single dating Christians to introduce their dates to their church leaders. A date who claims to be a Christian would not have a problem to meet your church leaders. If he/she has a problem, he/she might be a player or probably not a Christian and afraid to be uncovered.
4. Listen to God’s opinion: ‘This is the most important point to consider. God can give you a revelation on who your spouse should be. God can also give His opinion on your current dating relationship to let you know whether you should step into a marriage or whether you should end it. God’s opinion matters above all opinions including your own.
Anybody who loves God more than anything, will regard God’s opinion as the most important. Let me illustrate this point with an example:
‘Sandra is dating Robert for a while now. They are both Christians and Robert seems to be a great guy. One day, when Sandra really decides to seek the Lord for an advice on her relationship. In response to her quest, God clearly disapproves of the relationship and He tells her to end it without showing her any alternative.
In such case, Sandra must just leave the relationship especially if she really loves Robert. Two people ,who decide to get married against God’s approval, are attracting misfortune on them.’
Here is another example:
‘Julia is dating this nice guy called Peter. They are both born again. One day Julia hears from God who tells her that she should marry another guy called Richard who is also a believer she knows. In such instance, if Julia really loves Peter, she will step out of his life in order not to be a stumbling block in his destiny. If she really wants what’s best for her, she will marry Richard.
You see, as humans we know what’s good for us but God knows what’s best for us. We may think that our decisions are good but if we overlook God’s opinion, we are sure to pay the price for it.
There will also be times where God will approve of the person you are currently dating.
Popular questions:
‘What if I don’t feel anything about the person God shows me?’
There is a lie that flows among carnal Christians (and even carnal church leaders) and the lie goes as follow: ‘God will never ask you to do something you won’t like’.
At times, many of God’s commands will be pleasing to the eyes but some other commands will not always please us in the beginning. However, as we engage ourselves into obeying, we will soon realize that God’s will was the best thing and the feeling of love will suddenly follow. Living by the Spirit also means obeying even when the soul does not love yet. As you obey, you will discover how right God was, and you will fall in love with that person.
‘What if the person God shows me suddenly rejects me?’
As much as God shows you your mate, He will also speak to that person He showed you. God will speak to both of you. That type of scenario may happen as well where one person refuses to obey for some reasons linked to their carnal desires. Rejection can be part of everything: ‘Jesus was sent to Israel and yet He was rejected’. In my 20 years of being a Christian, I have seen this scenario play out several times where one person decided to not follow the guidance of God by using some of the most silly excuses.
Let us not be fooled: ‘there are no solid excuses to justify disobedience. Sin is sin and it always ends up hurting people around’
Secondly, once God speaks to you, then focus on doing your part. In relationships, it takes two to tango: ‘there is no way, you will both dance if one does not play their part. Play your part fully and remain irreproachable in the eyes of God. Do not force anyone to be with you. Jesus Himself never forced His way to be accepted and He accepted rejection. Follow the example of Christ.
Thirdly, God will replace them with another person who will obey. In my years of being in Christ, I have seen how the road winded down for those who disobeyed: ‘they chose what seemed the best to their physical eyes and they ended in turmoil after few years of marrying a person against God’s approval.’ I have never seen a person disobeying God and yet getting away unscathed. As they choose to marry who they want to against God’s approval, they will realise how better it would have been if they obeyed God.
That’s it from me.
Choose the best.